Balanced Singles

“I hate men, leave me alone!” the girl screamed from the crowd. “They are not trustworthy, he cheated me and he just left me when he found another girl.. so I am not at all interested in marriage.” Lucy Mark (not real name of the person) is ok now, just leading a normal life, happy to mingle with people but cautious about serious relationships as she has been hurt, and feels rejected and cheated.

‘Lucy’ was someone that I knew as a single person. She’s a Christian who’s passionate for God and mission. Whether you’re a Christian or not, you will have to face some sort of challenges as a single person. Handling the situation wisely will help you to move forward without carrying with you loads of baggage.

---------------------------------------------

Balanced Singles!! In the midst of relationships, temptations, life pressures, sexual frustrations, the internet, media, fantasy and dreams, expectations and proposals from parents and for some people bad experiences such as being rejected or cheated ... My goodness you need to maintain a balance in the midst of all these challenges! Is it possible??

In this blog I am sharing some of my personal experiences, finding your partner, overcoming temptation, receiving healing for your hurts.

Being balanced has many meanings...

But one of the main terminologies is the concept of a balanced life!! When we hear that phrase we will get some sort of ideas about our life. For many people it is just a dream or fantasy, an amazing relationship with God, experiencing God's purpose for their lives, maintaining a good balanced relationship with everyone, especially towards the opposite sex, making a difference in his/her life in character and personality or having a cool life. In the end they hope to find the right life partner and at the same time be someone who really enjoyed the single life, being productive and creative not because of the life pressure, but simply productive. Spending time with friends, family and church....is it a dream or reality?! When people look back on their life after many years some would feel condemned and guilty, because of the poor productivity of the life, “oh I wasted my years.” If you fail to understand the grace of God, life will be more difficult. Try to use your potential for God and His Kingdom and use and develop your talents under the apostolic covering of your church. Maintaining a balance in our life is really important. Knowledge about the Bible and your qualifications will not fix the balance, we need to use and apply it in our daily life. Don't be afraid when seeing that some things are not working even after applying the “Principles”. It is trial and error. No one is perfect except God, but we have His grace to overcome the situations in our life.

It was a hard thing at the beginning of my ministry life. For me God and ministry were given priority and I gave much less priority to family relationships. I am really thankful to my mentors and to my local church for helping me to overcome this “disorder” of my priorities. Let me say that there are different orders for our priorities. These will differ from person to person and nation to nation, but who can tell what is the right balance? One who is already maintaining the right balance. At the age of 15 I was privileged to get saved and after that I started my race. Before my salvation I was running to fulfil the expectation of this world; after my salvation experience there was not much change in my run except now my run was to please God. It took a long time for me to understand the grace and mercy of God, by which I mean the freedom in Christ. Even after your salvation experience you can be under the yoke. It is so amazing experiencing the freedom in Christ all the time. I think even though we are saved by His grace, we have a responsibility to walk in the light. 1 John 1:5   “And this is the message which we have heard from him and announce unto you, that God is light, and in him is no darkness at all.” 1 John 1:7  “…but if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin.” When I was single I had to travel a lot in India and abroad for ministry. Overcoming temptation is not like preaching in a pulpit!! God is in control but at the same time we have a great responsibility to use the authority given by God. We are saved by His grace and clothed with His righteousness so understanding our position in Christ will help us to be stay holy for God, because He is Holy. After my ministering time I never allowed ladies into my room without the presence of a third party who is comfortable with the person who is coming for counselling or prayer. Whenever I do family counselling I will make sure Katherine (my wife) or someone responsible from the local church is with me to help. Some people may argue that this is just some of your fears. Dear friend, it is not about fear, it is about love, love of God and love to maintain a good relationship with God and men. Law will warn you not to sin from the fear of death, but grace and righteousness will help you to not sin because of the love of God.

One of the areas in which people struggle is being constantly busy, busy with job, ministry... many, many areas. Some people are satisfied with this way of living, especially if it is something related to ministry. Now I do remember one family in which the father was really passionate in the ministry, and all the children were God fearing, but most of the time he was not available in his house or even for his shop, and at last he paid a big price with his family and his finances. When I was ministering to their son I saw his anger against his father, which had led him to backslide. But God healed his wound and restored him.

Another incident I was dealing with was the case of Isaac, a young charming guy. After one of the youth meetings this young man came to me and shared his story, He loved his parents who gave him everything that they had except their presence. Because of their busy life and ministry, they paid a big price to get an admission for him in one of the top colleges in the country. Yet this man ended up in immoral relationships, broken, filled with condemnation and guilt...although now God has set him free.

God is a god of order. He has an order for everything. If we read the Bible we can see Jesus is the head of the Church, and the man is head of the family. If you are breaking the order it will lead to disorder. Applying godly principles into our lives brings victory and freedom. Christ has set us free to be free indeed.

People often say the most enjoyable time in your life is when you are single before you get married.

To an extent it is true but not in all aspects of life. From my personal experience I really enjoyed my single time, especially after I met Jesus!! It was really exciting. I got saved at the age of 15 and after that I was enjoying my single life as a free person with few responsibilities. At the same time I am really enjoying my married life, and really enjoying being a father even if I need to change nappies and cook the meal some time!!

When I was in one of the Middle Eastern countries (before our wedding), a man asked me how old I was and whether I was married. I said I was not married and he came and hugged me, “you are lucky, you are lucky!!” Then I asked whether he was married and he said “yes dear pastor ... I don't want to talk about that”. When you are a single to an extent you are accountable to your parents. The age of accountability will differ from country to country, and culture to culture, but it will be really good to have a biblical balance. First accountable to your parents, second it will be great to have one or two mentors in your life. This could be your pastor, elder, your spiritual father or some one you can trust who is a person of character and integrity. At the same time you need to submit to the authorities such as your professor or employer. As young people we have the tendency to be independent and sometimes rebellious. We don’t want to be instructed or controlled. When you are single that is one of the best times to invest in your dreams, but it will be great to be mentored by someone you trust, not to control your dreams but to support and direct you in the right path.

Especially if you are a pastor/elder of a church, or you are in the ministry as a preacher or teacher, Satan always tries to trap you in some way because you are growing dangerously against his kingdom. I would like to give some practical suggestions to avoid some of the traps in your life. One of the best things is keep up to date with your mentor. When you are married you can update your wife and your mentors according to the circumstances and using wisdom. But when you are single make sure that you are not sharing your problems to someone of the opposite sex in an inappropriate time or place. You may receive some sort of comfort and advice from the person but in the future it could end up in a mess such as an emotional or romantic attachment which you hadn’t intended or ungodly sexual involvement. It is better to avoid long phone calls with these people, especially when you are supposed to take rest. The main thing is keeping or maintaining the balance. I am not talking about chatting with a member of the opposite sex or just some casual phone conversations. If you want to talk let be in a public place, visible to the church or the public place. Another thing you can do is asking a third person’s presence at the time of your conversation. Some of these suggestions are to do with a more traditional cultural context. For example as a woman in some Asian or Middle Eastern contexts, it would not be appropriate to sit next to a man having a private conversation even in a public setting. However, the same woman could have a conversation with said man in a Western context quite freely. It is important when looking at a cultural context that is different from your own, not to judge it for being either narrow-minded and legalistic or conversely immoral but to understand that that is the way the system works there and to adjust accordingly. The important thing is intention and motivation.

Jack (not his real name) was a young, single pastor who was very passionate about Jesus. He got an inspiration to start a church in one of the cities. By faith he started the ministry, people started coming and there were many salvations. After the meetings he usually spent time with his believers to chat, pray and sometimes counsel. After 6 months the church had grown to 100, and everyone was excited. A girl from his church usually asked him to pray for her after every meeting, and Jack was really happy to do that. After prayer everyone left the building, except the girl. They had really passionate conversation about revivals, which happened many time. The time they spent together in a ‘spiritual’ atmosphere led them to an emotional attachment. Some of the people felt the way they were processing their relationship was not great and rumours spread about Jack and this girl. In the end they married, but by that time worse things happened in the church, revival stopped, and many people backslidden. What a tragic end. There is nothing wrong with marrying or dating (in a Western context) someone from the same church but the Bible says that when we choose to exercise our freedom we should not be a stumbling block to other people, and in this case Jack and his girl were a stumbling block to other members of the church and put themselves into a position where they could easily fall into sin. They could have processed their relationship in an appropriate way, both culturally and Biblically. Our failure to handle situations in a balanced way can cause great damage.

Jesus invested a good amount of time for His disciples to make sure that they maintained a balance in their ministry. If we look at the life of Jesus He maintained a great balance in His life. I think we can divide that into four parts:

1. Listened & Learned In Luke 2.46, Matthew 4, we can see that Jesus was mentored. "After three days they found Him in the temple courts, sitting among the teachers, listening to them and asking them questions. Everyone who heard Him was amazed at His understanding and His answers." 2. Time Alone with God in Prayer Spending time with the Father, the one who sent Him to earth (Matthew 14:23 "He went up on the mountain by Himself to pray", Mark 1.35, Luke 6.12, Luke 9.18, Luke 11.1) 3. Ministering to people as part of His calling Healing, helping the hungry, spending time with his family and friends, raising the death to life and above all preaching and teaching the good news to the poor.(Mark 1:38 "…so I can preach, that is why I have come." Matthew 4:23, Luke 4:42) 4.Trained or Made Disciples, Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." Matthew 4:19 and Mark 1:17 "His disciples came to Him, and He began to teach them, saying”…Matthew 5, "I have set you an example that you should do as I have done for you." John 13:15

Look at the life of Paul and Timothy These are the Biblical references and areas in which Paul was trying to help Timothy to maintain a balanced Christian life. To pursue the right direction in his ministry (I Timothy 1:3); to instruct and give him Biblical counsel (I Timothy 1:5, I Timothy 4:6-11, 2 Timothy 2:1-7, 2 Timothy 2:14-17, 2 Timothy 6:11-16); to charge and exhort him (I Timothy 1:18, I Timothy 2:1, 2 Timothy 4:1-5); to pray for him and with him. (2 Timothy 2:1); to encourage him in the faith and in life (I Timothy 4:12-16, 2 Timothy 6:20-21); to give him hope for the future (2 Timothy 4:17-18). The example that Paul set for Timothy was a model that we all can follow. Take a close look at your mentoring relationships and how you can progress from being mentored to mentoring others. Make sure you are balanced!! The word balance is very much attached to the word accountability, and availability.

Overcoming temptations is one of the areas we need to fight. It is common for everyone but the intensity and nature of their temptations will vary from person to person. One of the main struggles for youngsters is overcoming their sexual temptations. In this post-modern culture SIN is not a well known word!! One of the areas people struggle to overcome is temptation from members of the opposite sex. This could come from friends, friends of friends, even some strangers. The internet, movies, fantasy, everything is free there. Each generation has faced temptations one way or other from Adam to Jesus, and from Jesus to you. Some failed, some were successful. Jesus was tempted in every way, but he didn't do any sin. But even after their salvation experience people are struggling in many areas, even some of them fail to overcome the temptation. Why am I unable to overcome the temptations even after my salvation experience is a BIG Question?? I am writing this blog to share some of the practical stuff with you.

First of all your personal walk with God will help you overcome the temptations, but please don't try to do that by yourselves. You need support and encouragement for that in your spiritual, emotional, even physical areas of your life, which is why the Bible emphasises the importance of being a part of the local church. In the Bible there are 39 scriptures mentioning the phrase ONE ANOTHER.

Avoid circumstances for temptations. How?? When you are using the internet, or watching a movie make sure that you are in a place people can see you and what you are doing. If you too tempted to do some thing ungodly leave the room, or call someone trustworthy to ask for their prayer support. Avoid physical touches with wrong motives. Do not allow or entertain someone’s inappropriate physical contact, and do not fantasise. Often if you fall into sin once or twice then you feel the guilt of the broken relationship with God, but if you repeat the sin several times then after a while you don’t feel any thing at all. If you purposely keep on sinning then your heart will be hardened and you will be less sensitive to the love of God. The lack of feeling could also be because you feel that you’ve already gone astray so you doubt God’s love and wonder what’s the point of trying to stop sinning? In order to avoid these situations don't wait for a good time to fight back. If you feel you are failing, pray and ask for someone’s help from the church.

Guarding your heart is an important thing and it is a part of spiritual warfare. Satan will try to hurt you through circumstances; when you are interested in one person, you are more vulnerable in all areas of your life, that is why it is always good to be in a safe position, to pray and seek advice. Don't make a quick decision on the basis of your feelings but seek confirmation from God. Before I met Katherine, I was in fasting and prayer and asking others to pray for this matter. My Pastor and my mentors, my friends and my team also prayed for this matter. Above all I had a clear conviction from God. So if we take such steps we can have great confidence about our decision because it is from God: we heard directly from God, as well as confirming it through the church and His people.

At last God and Culture. God is not against any culture, but he has no compromise with sin. God hates sin, but do we? Some cultures prefer arrange marriages but in some there is dating and then marriage. In some cultures men and women are not allowed to be together (I mean when they are students and sharing hostels; I am not taking about two people living as sexual partners without a godly marriage covenant) unless they are family members or couples. Some cultures have no problem with that. The motivation or intention is the most important thing. That means your walk with God will help you analyse your thoughts and your actions. Your local church and mentors will help you in this journey. Never try to beat sin in your strength!! Ask for Jesus’ help and the church’s. That is why God placed the church in this earth (Eph 1.22-23 says “And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.”)
Col 3.1-11 “Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator. Here there is no Greek or Jew, circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave or free, but Christ is all, and is in all.”

I was really shocked by reading this report in a magazine. “[In the UK] Schools send home 2,200 children a day for disruptive behaviour in the classroom. Violent crime by women has reached an all time high, with an average of 250 women being arrested each day. 58% of 14-17 year olds have viewed pornography, and 40% are sexually active. Over 41,000 women under eighteen fall pregnant each year, and 49% of them have abortions.”¹ I was just wondering what could be the reason for all this mess in the culture. The best answer is disorder but then the question is what is the order? If we answer the question from the Word of God, people may ask why it is not working in ‘Christian’ nations like America and the UK? Christian names won't make a person Christian. Only your personal walk with God will make you perfect, together with an understanding of grace, the mercy of God and righteousness though Jesus. If you look at those who have understood this order and those who are following it with love not the law we can see the difference they make.

Choosing a Life Partner

Choosing a life partner is a not a simple task. Everyone would love to have wonderful life partner, and everyone is excited and ambitious about their future. Romance is one of the key things leading to relationships (or chemistry). Some people are in high demand because of their looks, talents, smartness, personality. But dear friend, avoid fantasising or marrying someone who is a hero or heroine for many. Wait for God's timing for your hero or heroine to come, and they will be the best!! (saying from experience ).

As a single some times people are confused about making the right decision. Is this the right one? Am I hearing from God correctly? There are too many choices, and some are impatient to wait for the right one because of their increasing age. So how can you find a good wife /husband?

1. The first, second and third answer is pray, pray, pray to God who is the perfect matchmaker. You can even ask people to pray for you.

2. Wait for God's timing, and trust in the Lord.

3. Don't compromise your faith to get married. I know many, many, who, because of feelings and romance decided to marry an unbeliever because of love, and they hope things will be ok or get better or that they will make him/her “saved” but 90% never made it. And most of them never enjoy their life and end up in difficult situations, even to the point of breaking up.

4. Ask and seek guidance from elders and mentors.

Remember that your waiting time is not a wasting time. God is in control, He is Sovereign.

Spiritual and emotional check list

• I get regular time to talk to God
• I get regular time to spend with the Word
• I get enough time to relax
• I have time to share to my elder or mentor
• I am a part of a strong Bible believing, Spirit filled, local church
• I have a great desire to be pure and holy in word, deeds and in my thoughts
• I want to be faithful to my future partner that God has been preparing for me
• I am happy and available to share what is happening in my life with those I trust (I’m not talking about boy or girlfriends)
• If some thing goes wrong I have someone to reach out and talk
• I have a healthy balance between my call and my relationships
• I am able to maintain a healthy relationship and distance with the opposite sex
• I understand my call and my walk with God

NB. 1, 2 Timothy, 1 John – good for Bible reading.

Thank you, a big God bless you, and we would love to hear from you. Mail to us blessnkath@gmail.com, (your prayers, praise or suggestions!!)

Much love

Blessan

1 Dave Stroud, ‘Salt & Light’ in Newfrontiers Magazine, July-Sept 2010, Vol 3, Issue 16.